Therapy Thursday - Journaling and Summer Routine

Now that it's summer, it seemed like the perfect time to tweak my daughter's  the rules and rewards chart.

So instead of homework on her chart, we  replaced it with either 20 minutes of reading, journaling (aka feelings journal) or working in her math workbook. Just like during the school year, doing her "work" is takes place right when we get home from camp while I am getting dinner ready.

Why have I chosen this path? Two reasons. 1) Studies show that without any type of mental stimulation during the summer, children experience what is wonderfully termed "brain drain." Children basically, backslide and  lose much of what they learned in the previous school year and 2) we both stay on schedule.

And why add the feelings journal? As everyone knows kids have temper tantrums, my daughter included. The feelings journal was recommended by my therapist as a way for my daughter to express her feelings an on-going basis. The therapist  gave me a feelings chart so my daughter could use as a guide.

To make it special, I went and bought a fancy journal for her to write in and communicated that she should also draw pictures to go with her feelings.  She actually likes writing in her feelings journal

And from my perspective, it makes her practice her writing and spelling skills. Sneaky, right.

Click here to read "Hurry Up, Rewards and Consequences" which lays out all my daughter's daily routines and the rewards and consequences for her tasks.

Therapy Thursday is an ongoing series - If you are interested in reading more about my therapy sessions, scroll to the top of the site and click on Therapy Thursday.

Click here to read the first post in the series, "I admit it, I have a therapist" as to why I decided to go a therapist.

Therapy Thursday - One Task At A Time

Months ago, I developed a Rewards and Consequences chart that detailed all the tasks that my daughter was to complete and the rewards and consequences that would happen if she completed or did not complete a task.

My daughter knows all the tasks she must do in the morning but still must be reminded. After weeks of repeating "did you brush your teeth? clear the table, put your shoes on," all in succession, the lightbulb finally went off that my daughter can not be told to do more than one task at a time.


How did I come to this realization, she told me.  "I can only do one thing at time, I am brushing my teeth. I can't put my shoes on and brush my teeth at the same time,"  she yelled from the bathroom one morning. Duh, really!!!

So now I only ask her to do one task at a time. Does she do it? Eventually. Now I just have to stop reminding her ten times to do the one task.

Patience is not a virtue, it's Sisyphus condemned to forever pushing the boulder up the mountain only to have it roll down the mountain. It never ends.



And kids seem to have that selective hearing trait where they only hear the fun stuff; "let's go the park, do you want some ice cream?" but never seem hear the mundane like "clean up your room, brush your teeth, turn off the iPhone."

Originally posted on NYC Single Mom.com. NYC Single Mom also blogs at NYCSinglemomreviews.com, NYC Momsblog, NY Metropolista and travelingmom.com 

Therapy Thursday - Outsourcing Homework Help

Homework - it is the bane of my existence, okay, maybe not the bane of my existence but it's pretty close.

Every Monday, my daughter comes home with her lime-green homework packet. In my mind, homework is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you never know which one you are going to get. It's either, let's break out the champagne, we're done or someone's going to die (yes, a tad bit dramatic but it's true), but hey these are my feelings and you must accept them.

My daughter's homework is split into two components, math and reading. The reading assignment consists of reading a set of chapter books that my daughter has chosen. Once she has completed the reading, she must write the name of the book, the author's name and a comment about the book. Seems simple doesn't it and usually it is.

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter got her knickers in a twist or should I say her knickers were completely wrapped too tightly around her head. She literally worked herself into an irrational frenzy about how the starter sentences did not make sense for her to write her comments.

At the beginning of the year, a page of starter sentences were included in the homework packet to help the kids write their comments. Sentences such as "I liked it when.., I enjoyed..., I was happy when.., My favorite character is.."  You get the idea.

First, she couldn't find the starter sentence page and then she could not get any of the starter sentences to "work" for her. They made no sense to her.

When I say she is an irrational frenzy, I mean she is hysterical, crying, frustrated and writhing on the floor say over and over again "that makes no sense."  I literally read her 20 starter sentence to which she replied to each of the starter sentences, "that makes no sense, that sentence makes no sense" over and over again.  Good grief.

This went on for twenty minutes where I tried to reason with her and try to calm her down. Finally, I redirected her  to start her math homework, at which she finally calmed down.

The next week, it was math's turn. Oh good, lord. First of all, the overwhelming insanity of math is that it's TERC math. What's TERC math, you ask? TERC math is some crazy new math that the NYC public schools are teaching.  TERC math is all about the how to solve a math problem as opposed to simple memorization. It's all about using friendly numbers like "10" and using manipulatives to add/subtract numbers to come up with the answer. That is in it's simplest form.

For the math homework, the kids have to "show" how they solved the problem. You would think that DOE would have simple worksheets for the parents on how to show the work but no, that would be too simple to help and engage the parents  since every one over the age 25 learned math another way.

That said, on average, my daughter's math homework is pretty simple but every few weeks, there is a speed bump that just throws off the entire homework session.

So given that it's up to my daughter to learn TERC math in school, retain it and then be able to do the homework with no parental assistance shows you where I am going with this, right.

I won't go into the problem she was trying to solve but needless to say her written explanation of the response was wrong and as she explained it three times to me, increasingly getting more upset and frustrated and yelling (yes, yelling) "mommy, you are not listening." I, could only reply, "yes, I am listening but your answer is wrong." Let's face it, math is either right or wrong.

It took my having to draw all the numbers out for her see that her answer was wrong

As I am telling my therapist this, she says to me that I really need to consider "outsourcing" the homework. At first, I was somewhat hesitant as it seemed crazy, isn't that my job and shouldn't I be more patient to get through this.

Then I realized that she is right. The homework is going to get progressively more difficult and the arguments are going to get progressively worse if the situation doesn't change. At some point, she needs to learn to do the homework in a more relaxed and focused manner. I really don't want her to end up equating homework with arguing. Then the arguments won't be about the homework, it will deteriorate into doing the homework.

Yes, it may be more money but in the long run, I have to think what is best for our sanity and our relationship.

Therapy Thursday - Getting back on track

Unlike most parents, I somehow let our daily routine fall into the abyss during our long breaks. And the recent eleven day spring break was no different. And like my drinking, I know I shouldn't have that third glass of wine, but I do and suffer the repercussions. When will I learn? Apparently, never when it comes to my drinking or keeping my daughter in a routine.

The break started off great but little by little, my daughter ends up staying up later and of course, getting up later.  Honestly, it just plain selfish of me to let her sleep in.  I get such enjoyment out of reading the paper and sipping my coffee in peace and quiet rather than running around drinking my coffee in sips and gulps as we get ready in the morning.

The flip side to letting ourselves slide off our scheduled track is that it takes a while to get back to our regular routine.  It's like starting all over again. And who do I have to blame for this, me, me, me.

When I told my therapist how we had fared after the break,  she just looked at me and said "what about the rewards and consequences chart we so painstakingly worked on?" "Oh that!? I forgot. "

"Aha, moment, right." Like everything in my life and in general, life and stuff gets in the way and continuing good habits.

Not only does my daughter need to be reminded of what the rewards and consequences of not following the rules are, but apparently so do I.

So of course, when we went got home that evening, I had to review the chart with my daughter and yes, things are back on track.

And to ensure, I don't forget again, I have entered "reviewing the chart" into my iPhone calendar so she and I can review it on a monthly basis.

Therapy Thursday - I am a Bad Student

No, my daughter is not a bad student and for the record, I have never used that term. My daughter is very verbal, outgoing and not shy. While these traits will serve her well as an adult, it's not exactly the traits to have when you are supposed to be sitting in a classroom, listening and learning.

Adults can barely multi-task so imagine a seven year old, listening and talking at the same time.  I have to assume she is only hearing a small percentage of what is actually being taught in class.

That said, I have been trying to reinforce the importance of focusing and listening in class and of course, she agrees that it is important but unfortunately it does not seem to translate.

After the parent-teacher conference, she asked how it went and I told her it went fine which is true but she still needs to work on listening and focusing in class. Upon hearing this, she broke down into tears and said "I am a bad student."

Needless to say, I spent the remainder of the walk home consoling her and trying to reassure her that she is a good student, an outstanding reader, a great scientist per the Assistant Principal's comment on her report card which got her excited. She truly loves science.

I brought this up at my therapy session this week. Dr. R brought to my attention that while I think I am reinforcing the importance of focusing in class, I am most likely creating more anxiety for my daughter. In addition, it is obvious that my daughter truly cares about my being proud of her and wants me to be happy. And I am creating a situation in which there is an expectation to answer the question correctly and if she doesn't provide suitable responses  she will continue to think/internalize that  she is a bad student.

Hard to hear but she is right. I thought about the number of questions I run through just to get a status report everyday and it's like the inquisition with me.

"How was circle time? Did you raise your hand to answer a question? Did you ask a question when you didn't understand something? How was the listening? Any trips to the closet?" and so on.

Who wouldn't be anxious if you had to answer that barrage of questions at the dinner table or on the way home from school.

Dr. R suggested that I reframe the question so as to not put so much anxiety into our daily conversations by asking "What happened at school today that you felt good about?"

So I took her advice and I must admit, that my daughter did provide tons of information about her day. How the focusing and listening gets done is whole another question but at least I won't be creating an atmosphere of anxiety for my daughter.

Therapy Thursday - Continuing with Therapy

When I began therapy, I had no idea what to expect or how long I would be seeing a therapist. I had these visions like a character from a Woody Allen movie that I would be in therapy for years or at the least until my daughter went to college.

Since I began seeing Dr R. back in October, there have been a few weeks where my daughter and I have had a "good" week. I have taken those sessions to talk about my relationships with my family and other topics (see my hot thoughts are killing me post).

Last week, Dr R asked me if I thought I still saw value in coming to therapy given that my original purpose of improving my parenting skills seemed to have taken a back seat to my other "problems." I actually agreed. That said, we decided that I should  give it some thought as to whether I should continue. She mentioned that if I decided against coming every week she was more than happy to see me on an ad hoc basis. Whew! At least she gave me an out.

I really pondered this question literally everyday. Did I really to keep seeing her? Well, it's funny how we both came to the same conclusion. Yes,  I should keep seeing her. Maybe if my family was nearby or more supportive, I would feel differently but having an objective observer and an cheerleader for me is not such  a bad thing, right.

Therapy Thursday - Game Stop is Not My Friend

Riding home from school recently, my daughter spied Gamestop and all of sudden my daughter launches into "can we go to Gamestop?"
"No, we only go to Gamestop on Friday or the weekends." I answer back.
"But when we go, the Wii and Xbox are  always broken." She volleys back.
" Well I can't help that." Tears ensued from being told no, escalating into one of her irrational arguments. Her badgering went on for rest of the bus ride but eventually she stopped. I am thinking this is over but alas I was wrong.

As we get off the bus, I ask for my phone back. She refuses, holding it behind her back, "I will give it back if we can go to Gamestop."   In my efforts to try to deescalate the situation, I go to the old standby "this is your last warning" which usually works but she refused again.

At this point, we literally are still at the bus stop having this crazy argument and she is still refusing to give back my phone. Now of course, people are walking by giving me "the look." Parents know this look as it always from people who don't have children or older ladies shaking their heads. It's the "how come you don't know how to control your child look."

No matter, I just want this ridiculous argument to be over so we can go home. Instead of taking away something small as a consequence of not listening, I go to the big thing, "if you don't give me my iPhone, NOW,  you will not be going to D's birthday party." This, of course,  has the opposite effect.

"I don't care."  But a few seconds later, she hands me the phone and asks me if she can go to the party.

"I will think about it." I tell her.

She then runs into our apartment building, storms into our apartment and then slams her bedroom door. While I am cooking dinner, I hear her rustling around in her room. This behaviour is pretty familiar and I know where we are going with the rustling of paper.

I then see her writing something then taping it on the door.

"Did you write, I hate you? It's okay to be angry and I know you don't mean it." I  call out to her.

All of sudden, I see her take the paper down, crumple it and then throw it away.

"I love you mommy, I didn't mean it." She says crying.

"I know you didn't mean it. I know you love me. Let's just sit, relax and breathe a little bit before dinner."

Temper tantrum finally over.

Lightbulb moment and it only took me years to realize it. When my daughter is having one of her irrational moments/temper tantrums episodes,  I NEED to let her temper tantrum run it's course, literally and NOT to go to the consequences place in the middle of her wackiness as it just doesn't work.

Easier said than done, right.

Therapy Thursday - Dealing with Temper Tantrums

Dealing with temper tantrums are  never easy. I am constantly trying to improve how I handle the situation when it arises. Some situations are better than others.

To help me manage when these incidents happen, my therapist recommended a book to deal with my daughter's anger, "What To Do When Your Tempers Flares."

After last week's incident where my daughter insisted on going to Game Stop on a school night and just wouldn't let it go,  I decided to pull the book out and address and hopefully gain some control over her anger.

When I pulled the book out and she read the title, she asked "are we reading the book because of my temper tantrum?" She is soo perceptive.

"Yes, I thought we could read it together and see if it helps us both deal with our anger. You know sometimes mommy loses her temper, too" I said.

"Okay, good idea," she replied shaking her head in agreement.

Although the book is recommended for ages 6-12, you really need to read each chapter to see if it's appropriate for your child. Some of the situations are best for older kids and frankly you will probably spend a lot of time explaining the words. We skipped Chapter One "In the Driver's Seat" (we don't have  car so the example would be lost on my daughter) and proceeded to Chapter Two "A Secret About Anger." I'll bet you are dying to know the secret. Sorry, you have to wait.

I liked that chapter is interactive in that the exercises require the child to answer several questions as you move through the chapter.

• Think of words that all mean "angry." Good exercise but some of the written words were all new to my daughter so we had to get over the hurdle of explaining words like  irritated, seething, enraged.. 
• Write down things that make you mad - This was an eye-opener. My daughter wrote "you say mean things, you yell at me, you don't give me hugs and kisses (this one I need to explain and yes I feel bad because at some point my daughter will not want to hug and kiss me but she is always (I mean always) wanting a hug and kisses.) 
• Situations where someone takes your last cookie or if the teacher gives you homework over vacation. How does it make you feel and what are the thoughts in your head? 

So what is the big secret of the chapter?  Others don't cause you to be angry, its your thoughts that make you angry.
My daughter did get the concept of thoughts making you angry so that's good. Now when she gets a little angry, I reinforce the concept "remember it's not ... that makes you angry, your thoughts are making you angry."

All in all, I like the book. I will have to find time to get to the next chapter. 

Therapy Thursday - Are my Hot Thoughts Killing Me ???

After my momentary "state" last week, my therapist gave me a cognitive exercise to add to my tool kit.  The "Thought Record" is meant to help me focus on reducing my anxiety when I have these panicked and anxious episodes and hopefully keep me grounded.

My assignment was to complete  the worksheet  when I feel "panicked."  On top of job searching, keeping a roof over my head, raising my daughter, I have to keep track of my feelings. Alrighty, then.

The Thought Record worksheet is broken into 7 sections:

1. Situation - Who are you with? What were you doing? When was it? Where were you?
2. Moods - Describe your mood and rank it 1-10
3. Automatic Thoughts (Images) - What was going through your mind just before I started to feel this way? What does this say about me? What this mean about me? my life? my future? What am I afraid might happen? What is the worst that could happen? What does this mean about how others feel/think about me? What images or memories do I have in this situation? 
4. Evidence that Supports the Hot Thought - Write factual evidence to support this conclusion
5. Evidence that does not support the Hot Thought - Ask yourself the questions that does not support the hot thought. 
6. Alternative/Balanced Hot Thoughts - Write an alternative or balanced thoughts. 
7. Rate your mood Now 

A few days after the session, I had what I would call "a moment" of panic.

1.  Situation - It was 6 am before my daughter woke up and I decided to pay my bills. I was feeling happy until I could not find my Cobra bill in the stack of bills.  I literally sifted (more like rummaging) through every stack of papers in my apartment, TWICE, to no avail.

2. Mood - To say that this sent me into a panicked state is an understatement. My heart was racing, I was sweating and I am sure my blood pressure went up. I am not one to hyperventilate but I could have. On a scale of 1-10 of rating my mood intensity,  I was feeling like a 10.

3. Automatic Thought aka Hot Thought - After much discussion with my therapist, two hot thoughts were agreed upon. I wasn't sure how this worked, since my original  response was I am just disorganized but... the hot thoughts were  1) I feel like I don't have any support from my family and it seems as though there is no one there to help me and 2) I could be homeless, penniless and nobody loves me.  Yep, it sounds bad. But isn't that were the mind goes when you are in a "state." It automatically goes to the negative, the sky is falling, life is bad.

4. Evidence That Supports the Hot Thought - My family never calls, I always call them. Nobody asks if I need financial help in fact no one asks anything about my financial situation. Nobody asks how are you feeling.

5. Evidence That Does Not Support The Hot Thought - My mother calls me, she has sent gifts for my daughter, she has provided support to me, my sister occasionally calls and so does my brother.

6. Alternative/Balanced Thought That Refutes the Hot Thought - Prior to the incident and/or in recent months, my family is always been there for me and if I need their support, I have it. 

7. Rate my Mood - At the time of the incident it was still a 10 and did not decrease until I had paid the bill off.

I thought this was a good exercise and will continue to use it when I have these "episodes." The exercise is meant to help you over time, change the feelings you are experiencing so as not to go to the "hot thought."

Of course,  changing one's feelings during a panic attack does not  happen over night. Wow, don't you wish.

This takes work. I literally have to sit down and write down how I am feeling/thinking for each section.

 The end goal is to be able to go through the exercise in your mind as opposed to putting pen to paper.

We will see.

Therapy Thursday - Nanny 911 Stay in England Your Services are Not Needed

When I started therapy, the first thing my "mom" mentioned "you need to ask the therapist when she will be involving my daughter in the sessions." At our first session, I asked Dr R. and she said "we will see, let's just address why you are here and go from there. "

Recently, my mom brought up the topic again. I find this fascinating since she has not seen my daughter since January 2008 when she was 5 3/4 years old.  In that time, my daughter has really developed and matured emotionally. That said,  I am not  saying my daughter is perfect (I wish.)

 Sure there are temper tantrums and we still have mornings that I wish Mary Poppins would magically appear and deal with the morning routine  but sometimes I amazed at her capacity to do stuff on her own. Some days,  she will clear all the dishes from the table, clean her room or do the recycling all on her own without being asked or reminded.  Mind you its not consistent but hey there is a glimmer of hope, right.

I brought this up at a session with Dr R. "Do you think my daughter should come in with me one day?"
What I love about Dr R. is that her facial expressions are priceless. She is wasn't what I expected in a therapist. I think I am victim of television/movie therapists who  sit and start at their patients with poker faces, listen impassively and ask you "so what you do think?" Not Dr. R, she just looked at me "like why does a 6 year old need to come in here. "


Her response, "From what you have told about your daughter in great detail and the fact that she has not received any disciplinary notes from school,  I don't see why she needs to come in. And what exactly did you envision?"

I started to chuckle because if you have never been to therapy, you basically sit in a chair or in my case a big sofa and Dr. R sits in the chair facing you and you talk. Can you imagine,  having a 6 year old sitting there on the couch being grilled about an incident from two days ago? They remember what they remember when they want to. The scene is laughable.  I would be a waste to time and money.

"Well, frankly unless you see us interacting or have a nanny cam installed in our house (scarrry) ala Nanny 911, I don't see the point have my daughter see you either."

"So you tell your mom, exactly what I said, end of story,"

Therapy Thursday - Disappointment and Stress

I can only thank my lucky stars that my plans to hit Costco/Target plans fell through because this was a week I really needed to have a therapist to discuss my latest travails.  So what happened?

First, a job I really wanted fell through. Although it was a freelance position, I thought it was a perfect fit, loved the company and the hiring manager. The only consolation is that I received great feedback from the interview, the hiring manager is forwarding my resume onto HR and I made another networking connection.

Second, I impulsively asked my daughter if she ever thought about her "birth mother."

She responded "yes" and started to cry wondering if she was going to ever meet her "birth mother" or "birth father." Oh my god, this crying went on for 30 minutes.

 I told her when she is older "of course, you can meet them."
"How, you don't where they live."
"Don't worry, we will find them."
Breaking my no television rule during school, I asked her if she wanted to watch American Idol. "Yes," finally the crying stopped.

I told my therapist all this and she just looked at me like "why would you impulsively bring this up?" I told her that I was reading an article how adoption becomes more concrete between the ages of 6-10. "I don't know why, I just needed to know her response." She basically said, "you are not an impulsive person, there must be something else?"

"No, maybe I am feeling insecure about this topic." I said.
"I don't think so," she said. "You don't think it's all the other things, tension with your surrogate family, staying here for the holidays, not having a job, emotion around your parents not being here to see your daughter. etc. (I love the fact that she told, hey I read your blog, I know more that's going on.) You are definitely a little jumpy and stressed, I can see it."

"Yes, you are right, I feel out of sorts, slightly agitated.  The job rejection really bothered me, the fact that I hit my year unemployment, my wackadoo family not offering any support financial or emotional is just annoying."

We talked about adding tools to help me deal with the stress so hopefully, I can deal with it.

Regarding the talking to my daughter about her birth parents or her adoption,  her very direct (and she is right), "there is absolutely no reason to be bringing it up unless she want to discuss it."

Therapy Thursday - The First Session
Therapy Thursday - Therapy Goals
Therapy Thursday - What I have learned so far
Therapy Thursday - Hurry Up: Rewards and Consequences

Therapy Thursday - Hugging is the Key

"Don't Engage" and "Don't Apologize" are two things that Dr. R, my therapist is always saying to me when my daughter and I have a "discussion."

Easier said than done. In the heat of an argument, I am continually trying to be the "boss" and the "parent" and bend my daughter's will to do what I ask.  As you can imagine, this does not always work, actually most times it doesn't work.

A few weeks ago, Dr R, suggested I touch or hug my daughter when these "discussions" escalate. I, of course, wrote this piece of advice down and made a mental note. I am sure I thought it was a good idea at the time but...

Last week, I actually tried hugging my daughter when we were having an argument about my asking her do to something and she did not want to do it. When my daughter starts to argue, she literally can just keep interuppting and arguing back at me and get up in my face so much so I feel like it WWE match. I have no idea why but something kicked in and I reached out and hugged her really tight.

After about 10 seconds, she stopped squirming and asked "why are you hugging me?" I said, "I am hugging you because I love." I have tried this technique twice and it has worked both times. Needless to say that by hugging my daughter it stops us the situation from escalating on both sides. We both immediately calm down. I am less frustrated which stops the next logical action, yelling (yes, I yell.)

The key to this technique is that I HAVE to break my habit of engaging of trying to reason with an unreasonable person and more importantly, REMEMBER TO  HUG my daughter when I feel she is starting to disagree/argue with me.

For those of you who are new to the site, here are the previous Therapy Thursday posts.

Therapy Thursday - The First Session
Therapy Thursday - Therapy Goals
Therapy Thursday - What I have learned so far
Therapy Thursday - Hurry Up: Rewards and Consequences

Therapy Thursday (5) - "Hurry Up" - Rewards and Consequences

"Let's Go"
"Focus"
"Brush Your Teeth"
"Eat Your Breakfast"
"Ugh"
"How many times do I have to tell you"
"We're going to be late"

Sound familiar. This scene plays itself out every morning since we started kindergarten. Compared to elementary school, Pre-school was a breeze because there were no consequences for being late. We arrived and I left, punto.

Since we entered elementary school, we have to be at school by 8:20 and if you arrive at 8:25, you get a late pass that is entered as part of your child's record. Yikes! The pressure. I have met parents who don't seem to crazed about getting a late pass, but for me, the idea of being late sends the wrong message. I am not saying I am always on time but it bugs me that some people I know are always late, I mean always. That said, it is a race every morning and while I don't mind the racing, I hate that I have repeat the same thing a gazillion times which of course leads to frustration and eventually yelling (yes, I yell and I am not proud.)

So this was a topic I discussed with my therapist "how can improve this situation where I am not losing it every morning?" Who wants to be that parent who is constantly yelling? That is certainly not my ambition in life.

Now I know a lot of you probably do this but sometimes you need to work through what seems like a logical situation with an objective observer.

Dr. R and I came up with a comprehensive set of rules that includes a morning/evening routine, chores and manners list and with it, rewards and consequences for not following through/breaking the rules.

Once we hashed it out, I went through it with my daughter. Yes, it's best to gain buy- in from your constituents (if you have to do it business to gain consensus then it should work at home, right?)

All in all, my daughter was in agreement with the list. So, does it work? Well... The morning routine is still tough. On average, it works smoothly 3 out of 5 weekdays. The manners is also hit and miss but getting better. We review the list every couple of weeks because like anything, repetition and reminders are necessary.

Here are the first grade rules, my daughter's title.

Morning Routine
Get Up/Get dressed/eat breakfast
Brush Teeth
Make Bed (Weekends)


Chores
Clear the Table after every meal
Take out recycling

Nighttime Routine
Homework before dinner
Bath/change pajamas

Manners
Talk politely
No disagreeing
Don't say stop
Less temper Tantrums
Be more flexible

Rewards
$5.00 Allowance
60 minutes of TV (weekends)
Leapster/Gameboy (weekends)
iphone on the bus
Call friend on weekends

Consequences
Lose 1 TV show/no tv all weekend
$1 off for breaking a rule
no leapster/gameboy
no iphone on the bus
No playdate
can't call friend on weekend


Now that you have seen the list, I am sure you are thinking that it doesn't seem so comprehensive but you try the getting a child ready for school in 45 minutes. It's not easy especially when you tell them to brush their teeth and 10 minutes later nothing has happened. What the hell is going in the bathroom? Who knows, its a mystery to me. And breakfast, children do not eat on demand.

If you have any tips, I can incorporate it into our routine, please send it to me.

For new readers, this is a series on my therapy sessions so go to search and input Therapy Thursday for the previous posts.

Therapy Thursday (4) - What I have Learned So Far

So I have been going to family therapist for several weeks now. The big question is how am I doing? Good. The one thing all parents know is that parenting is a fluid process. We are just trying to make not just through the day but the next five minutes. Our children are like land mines, you think you are headed in the right direction avoiding impending doom and then boom, you  hit a landmine. You just never see it coming. For those of you who are doing great avoiding land mines,  I commend you.

I, on the other hand, continue to try not blowing up on a daily basis so this what I have learned so far.
Consistentency  is the Key (DUH!) - Having a routine is the key to one's sanity. Unfortunately, life happens and once a routine is thrown off, it can takes days to get back on track. I have learned that on Sunday, we need to be back home by 6 at the latest to get the night time routine started and hit the 8:30 bedtime otherwise, it takes until Wednesday to get back on track. My daughter needs her beauty sleep.

Even-Numbered Playdates - Like adults, three is not a good number (unless you are participating in a menage a trois and even those don't usually end well.) With three kids on a play date, two of the kids  inevitably always gang up on the third kid and this just goes on all during the play date. So we only have a playdate with 1 or 3 kids.

Only have playdates with other well- behaved kids or semi well -behaved kids -  I have learned that we can not have playdates with "wild" (this may be a little exagerrated) kids. It just doesn't work even if the parent is engaged and on top of their child. The kids just  feed off of each other and they just don't listen and it just becomes frustrating to have to go in tell them to stop all the time. And the more importantly, once the kid leaves, the after effects are just crazy. My daughter just does not listen and it takes maybe a day to get back on track.

Don't Engage and Don't Negociate - This one I KNOW but am working on. I just can't stop myself from continuing to negotiate. As my therapist continues to tell me. You are the Benevolent Dictator, what you say goes.! Sure, easier said than done.  Not so easy, when you have a very verbal, always thinking on her toes kid. How do you respond to someone who tells you it's rude to walk away, when you are trying to not engage? She is right. It is rude.

I am sure I will continue to have these Aha moments and keep working on being a good parent.

Therapy Thursday (3) - Therapy Goals

After our first session, Dr. R. told me to write down my goals for our next therapy session.

• Get my child to listen to me
• Get my child to be less manipulative
• Instead of whining, she does what she is asked to do
• Learn not to promise things as way for her to do what I ask
• Learn to stop engaging my daughter - explaining only makes it worse
• A Well-behaved child that listens the first with no arguments

After my review of my goals, I might have detected a slight smirky smile as if to say "not asking for much are you".

Hey, these are my goals, whether I ever accomplish them is another story.

We reviewed them together and came to an understanding, that let's face it her words, you need to be a "benevolent dictator" and you need stop engaging in discussions.

I acknowledge and know instinctively before I came to therapy that it is almost impossible to have a rational discussion with an irrational person. And children are irrational. Yet, I continue to do this, so every day is going to be struggle to NOT to engage.

This edition is part 3 of Therapy Thursday.

Part 1 - Therapy Thursday - I admit it, I have a therapist

Part 2 - Therapy Thursday - The First Session

Therapy Thursday (2) - The First Session

Finding a therapist is not as easy it seems. This is New York City, famous for it's therapists, if you believe all the movies you see. But after asking around and not getting any recommendations for a therapist, I decided to see if my insurance paid for therapists and hurray for me, they do. Too bad this is the year I decided to go the high deductible route. Oh well. So how I did I choose my therapist? Location, services offered and gender. I wanted someone who could feel some empathy but be objective, so I went with a woman, sorry guys. In addition, I wanted someone who just didn't focus on family issues but was more well rounded. I figured hey, why not continue once I sorta of gotta a handle on the child/parent thing and who wants to start all over with someone new.

After talking to a few doctor, I settled on Dr. R. not sure why, just a gut feeling . We arranged a time to meet. After watching a gazillion movies./tv shows with therapists, I thought this will be interesting. Expectation = Reality. Not! Does it ever?

Dr. R's office is near my neighborhood in a rather non-descript building with a rather non-descript lobby. I guess I should be grateful its not in some fancy Park/Fifth Avenue location which would make feel nervous, I am nervous enough about this process.

The elevator lets you off into the smallest little lobby if you want to call it lobby. It is occupied only by a small bench and post office boxes for the doctors. There are two separate entrances, not sure why. There is whole elaborate system to call your respective doctor which took a few minutes to figure out even with the instructions. Push a button, then wait for a buzzer, then do this, AAAGGG! Let me in already.

Once through the door, there is another waiting area, comfortable, chairs, sofa and magazines lying around; very typical waiting area.

So I sat there for a couple of minutes and then Dr. R stuck her head out. That part, I swear is just like every show (In Treatment, anyone) and movie I have ever seen. Just struck me as funny. Dr. R. looks like many New York women, well groomed, well dressed, thin and attractive. Probably in her in mid-late 30s, I am bad with ages.

As I whizzed by the other offices, I could see they were pretty much laid out the same way, sofa, chair, desk and bookshelf. Each office was the size of good size bedroom.

Dr. R's office has a homey feel to it. The sofa is quite comfortable with funky pillows. The lying down part, I think is pretty much a made up invention but what do I know from one therapists office. I think it would be weird for me to be talking to the ceiling and not be able to see the therapist's face while you talk.

So she asks right off the bat. Why are you here? I told her that while I needed help parenting my daughter, basically, I came at the suggestion of my family after they disinvited me on the family vacation.

This is when I knew I would be coming back. I am not sure if therapists are supposed to be stoic/expressionless people but her reaction was priceless. Her look was one of surprise and shock. Frankly, every time, I told people the story, they have the same gut reaction. "What?" Her comment after hearing that was, "how exatly does that help you?" My retort, "exactly." I then explained how this came to be, the misbehaving, the vacation last year but regardless of how I ended up here, I did some help in parenting my daughter.

So the other half of the session was talking about my relationship with my daughter, the not so great listening, having to repeat myself, lack of consistency, all typical wouldn't you say.

Then the 45 minutes was over. My homework: Write down my goals for our sessions. Easy

Until next week. Stay tuned.

Click here if you missed part 1 - Therapy Thursday (1) - I admit I have a Therapist

Therapy Thursday (1) - I admit it, I have a therapist

Yes, I have a Therapist. Once you put it out there, you can't take it back, right? I have been wanting to post this for awhile but have been reluctant. Sure, I have tons of pictures of my daughter and me, exposing other parts of my life but a therapist expose, the horror.

I think once you admit you have a therapist, you are all but acknowleding something is amiss in your life.

So how did I end up with a therapist. First, let me say, Dr. R. is my family therapist not my "therapist" (I am sure that I need that too, but one problem at time.) I am pretty sure she is a therapist for all that ails you which is why I chose her, I figured maybe once I get over this particular need, I would move on to working my own self improvement.

My family, that's how I ended with a family therapist. Since they don't read my blog, they will never know what is being said about them. Of course, this when they will choose to visit and well, hilarity will not ensue.

This summer, we were supposed go on a beach vacation with my extended family (explaining my family will take another post).

Last year, we drove down with my "parents, Nana and Pop Pop" (these are people who have been there since my both my parents died and my daughter's grandparents) from Virginia to South Carolina which is an 8 hour drive. Needless to say, my daughter was not a happy camper on the trip and was somewhat I am not going to say out of control but not wonderful. She does what any 5 year old does, I think. She vies for your attention all the time, interrupts your conversations, whines, pretends she is car sick to get out of the car so she can stretch her legs (okay maybe that's not normal.) Well, we did only stopped twice in eight hours. And the way back, I can only describe as angry and belligerant talking back in a way that was soooo unusual.

While at the beach, she was pretty much a nuisance, running after the big kids who pretty much thought she was gnat. Was she a good listener, no? Was she out of control? I don't think so. Was this Nanny 911 territory? NO.

Since the vacation, my mom has been asking me if there was an improvement in her behaviour and am doing anything to correct it. Needless, to say yes but sort of not. Let's face it, dealing with a 6 year old is an ongoing process and is she perfect no and am I perfect. She is what I have taken in my informal poll of other parents, a typical six year old, sassy, talks back and not so great listener.

This year, I was expecting to go to the beach but not really looking forward to it. Frankly, I just didn't want to deal with driving down with them again and sent an email saying I was going to rent a car so we could stop when we wanted...

Well the response I was expecting was sure, no problem. What I got (via email) was they did not think it was a good idea that we come, given my daughter's behaviour last year and that they did not see any improvement when we were there in January. To say that I was taken aback was an understatment so I sent back an email, rather snippy one at at that (why??? Note to self, nver send emails in anger.)

The next email was even more blistering about how I was disrespectful and more to the point ungrateful for all they had done for me. I, of course, apologized profusely which was sincere knowing they in their own way are trying to help me and am now trying repair the relationship. This is difficult since they don't live here.

Somewhere in all the emails was the suggestion that I need to see a therapist.

Is that a good reason to see a therapist? Appeasing your family, maybe not but the alternative is to have to deal with why I am not seeing a therapist.

So there you have it.

How's it going? It is going well but is my daughter perfect. Hell, no. Anyone with kids will tell you, life is fluid, somedays are better than others. Actually, some minutes are better than others.

Next week. I will tell you about my first meeting with Dr. R.

Stay tuned.

P.S. She knows that I am going to write about my seeing a therapist.